Update from July 4th
I do hope that in your life, you can express truly what you feel, to your loved (or not so loved anymore since you are on here) ones.
I feel sad about all those men I ever met, who have such a big heart, though all come with a similar story "She won't have anything to do with me".
I wonder all the time what happens to women. I know some will disagree, but I think it is more frequent than thought, that women have sex out of duty rather than out of true expression of love for their partner. Keeping that in mind, it is no wonder that after a couple of kids, or a couple of decennies, they reach that stage in life where they refuse to do things to please others anymore, and rebel (subconsciously or silently) against their husband for their constant hunger for sex (or for other things) . Well, it is one hypothesis, and I feel it is one which is not rare. What I would like to say, is... Have you tried talking to her?
With all your soul, seeking for the spark that may still be in her heart? (Don't try too hard, or it will be the end of the escorting business)
I have fortunately never been in a married situation, though I could often feel this happening to me after 2 weeks of being with someone; but I know this "housewife" nightmare is deeply rooted in me, from hearing my mother say "Never excite a man or you will have to have sex with them, once they are aroused, you can't stop them." And her shamelessly saying that she often had sex with her husband [...] to please him and make him happy, but that she didn't really enjoy it. Now, what am I supposed to do with this overload of information? Help!!! Run away is the best I could do, so far. But now... I feel a bit exhausted and would like to sit for a while, on the side of the hill, beat this fear of flying, and spread my wings.

Update from July 2d
I wish that one day, I will be able to look back at my life and be proud of whom I have become. Proud that I have managed to get over what blocked me for so long, why I could not accept love, why I felt if I loved someone, they would reject me or something bad would happen to them. It is very traumatic to want to say something nice to someone else, but a voice inside of you says "You liar! You are saying that because you want to use him, he won't believe you anyway because you are saying it in such an insecure voice!"
It is very difficult to find self-esteem, after all the 'bad things' I believe I have done in life; though I hope one day, I will have a big pinch of it. Not enough to be arrogant (= insecure), but enough to feel my own value as a soul, and then, as a human. After those two, to feel my value as a woman.
One day, I hope that my late mother will be proud of me, as well as all the ancestors and friends and souls who are on the other side of the mirror-time-space illusion. I would like to help them, and I know I hold a lot of my family's woman fate in me; I have a lot of work to do, so to help them in what they could not achieve, and not let it drift in me.
Will I manage? Will I ever do something I can be proud of, with my life? Sometimes, it feels I won't.. But I refuse to give up, yet. Melancholic.

Update from July 1st:
After experimenting very carefully and slightly, though seeing I felt uncomfortable with the thought of a woman going down on me and worse, me going down on her, I decided that maybe I was not a true lesbian after all. But what is peeving, is why do lesbians have it as a rule to do those things? What is wrong with just cuddles, kisses, touch, and arousal in that way?(fingers would be acceptable)
Isn't that enough, this, with a strong emotional, trusting connection?So all of you that have got all excited at the thought of me being with a very sexy blonde woman, take that thought out of your head, no need to think about it, it won't happen!

Update 18th June: I have stopped escorting yet again.
You know why? Don't even ask. I don't seem to be wanting to be reliable in this business, I keep asking myself questions, wanting to find a proper job to feel safe and secure, wondering about the guilt of polygamy, my difficulty with sex, etc... Why don't you just contact me to do a simple sex-less, tame and guilt-less therapeutic massage session? I am really good at it, so I have been said. I truly enjoy it as I enjoy caring so much. It will do you a lot of good and I won't keep changing my mind about it, you can be sure to see me on this basis! Though I know, I know, you need more...Oh well. Sigh!
One day, I will get out of the sex business! Though, will I miss what it brought me? This illusion of independance and belonging to no-one? It's an illusion, because at the end of the day, I am alone, I feel alone, and I do not enjoy independance to that point, meeting wonderful people and never seeing them again. I rather not meet them. Love and being hurt than never love? Mmmh...

Update from some time in between: I have started escorting again as I need to pay my rent and I do miss meeting people. Not that I meet a lot, recently, as it has been very quiet, since my site isn't advertised. I have seen 3 different people in... 3 months! (and a few on a therapy basis which I won't count as it's not sexual) You can't say that I am a very virulent sex-worker! Though, the more I go forward, the more I meet wonderful people. It's very odd. Maybe it's an energy thing.

Update 1st June: I have stopped escorting again though am thinking of studying something called Quodushka which is something to do with Maya and South American way of using sexual energies something rather, it sounds really interesting and to practice that, said the person I spoke to, would allow me to do escorting without the sexual side, which would mean I wouldn't need to feel guilty sleeping with several people at the same time.Which actually, I do feel guilty about, whether they do pay me or not!

Update 19th May : I have started escorting again though I should really learn Tantra properly and be a goddess, rather than be offering my body in a way which is not always rewarding, and place myself in a mat-like position. A goddess? I need to awaken my femininity first! Me? A goddess? I need to finish this life-story for you to understand...But so much is happening I don't find time to write! Merde! Help!

Update 3d May: I have stopped escorting again as I am having doubts about my sexuality and I think that actually, I may well be a lesbian, since my first love was a woman, and I have met a woman whom I feel really happy with, on an emotional level and with whom I want to explore gentleness and sensitivity, emotional proximity. Sex with men since I started escorting again has been rather difficult mentally, I have had traumatic thoughts and actually, I should stop all sexual activity forever! This is my state of mind; however delightful the persons are, I can't do it anymore.

Update and introduction dating from mid-april 2009:

I was happily doing escorting last year, but stopped temporarilly in february 09, for some personal reasons that I will explain below.
I stopped with the idea of getting into alternative therapies, helped by someone close who was giving me much confidence and a client base to start from when I would be ready. Unfortunately, it ended up not working out, making those last 2 months extremely difficult mentally as I had given up escorting for him mainly. I had also given up for myself in a reasonnable and noble gesture to quit the sex industry that I have been in for about 9 years (through modelling, lap dancing, cyber work, etc)...

Though, I felt at the time that even though I was sure it was the right choice, it was a mistake to stop escorting so suddenly. I didn't have steady foundations under me to lift me up to where I wanted to be, no client-base to start massaging from, no professional training other than my intuitive skill which I love working with but has no "She is capable" official signed paper to go with it from anyone, not even from Spirit.(They can't write, can they!)

I also terribly missed the human contact that I got through escorting, the companionship and joyful moments I spent with my special clients, the getting to see them and seeing them relaxed and more happy; the care I was sharing with them and that I got back.
Many of them couldn't face to see me for healing and massage only after I said I stopped; and I totally understand them. There is a deep need in them as to why they came to see me in the first place.

How often have you stopped seeing your mistress because you got on better with your wife? This is a bit the same for me but in the opposite way. My clients are like my "mistresses"(there isn't such a word as "a Mister", is there?) on whom I practice my healing tendancies and my eroticism and to whom I can share this inner nurturing joy that so want to blossom from inside out.
My boyfriends are a bit like ' your' mistresses, they get in the way.

I never wanted to see many people as an escort, but wanted to meet those special people who would be very special indeed, as in they would understand vaguely where I was coming from and they would be honest enough to themselves to recognize what they were lacking in their lives, as well as being open to an experience which would be slightly different from the usual "sex worker" experience.

What was most difficult for me to cope with and I was happy to let go of it when I decided to stop was, in the escorting, to not see or hear again from someone with whom I shared such special moments. Sometimes, not even hearing from them by emails, like "I found a girlfriend that I love very much, it was lovely to meet you and your service was very helpful , thank you very much" or "It was lovely to meet, I won't meet you again because I like to hire different people every time, but thanks for a caring time".

I met many people, particularly in the distant past, that acted in their life in a sort of hovering way; not quite there, there but elsewhere at the same time... Through hiring someone, they can hide, have the comfort , and after it has ended, they are off again, wandering about their difficult lifes...
I do not blame them. I know how difficult it is to feel uprooted in myself. It is difficult often, to find and act with substance and honesty.
I have been one of those people. I have to admit it. (more about that in my life story, coming soon!) It is so difficult to find who we want to be, inside, or "who we are".

It is because of that awareness of myself that with time, I have learned to go against my tendencies of running away at the first problem, and actually face it. I try my best, now, to be as honest with people as I can, to voice or write what I feel , if adequate to the situation.
It is still difficult for me to be as honest as I would like to be, as I am a rather sensitive and shy person, particularly face to face, which was where I really enjoyed escorting as it was a great exercice for that!

All that to say that before retiring properly, I would like to give escorting another go.
I have had many weeks without it now, and I do not know how I will feel in front of it, though to have this arrangement with someone where I know there are no agendas or expectations other than respect, gives me much more room to be myself within the intimacy, than when I am with someone I am supposed to love.
I have had more very deep spiritual moments with clients than I have had in my private life. Possibly because there isn't all the emotional bagage in it (or should I say, the expectations and patterns and roles and family etc...)
So if you wanted to meet me, now is the time!

PS: My hair in the latest photograph gallery ISN'T a wig.

Pps: Where do all those updates come from???? I never saw them before!!