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Update 2d March

This is it, I was going to keep escorting for another month till April, but I am packing up, I have had enough.

I have had enough to be close to people, feel the kindness, reach a beautiful closeness which emphasizes in such connection with the healing, with presences of the purest realms; when then, this has to be broken and bothered by intimate touch, leading to unwanted and inapropriate, sexual contact.

Yes, it is wrong, I have had enough, I do not want this sexual contact that spoils it all, that takes away the beautiful space which had created itself and makes the experience join the ones of the fakes. I do not want to be an illusion for men, an illusion of love or human intimacy; I am there for their healing, for caring and for sharing so they can find themselves closer; but not for fulfilling their animal instincts of seduction, nor mine.

I have had enough, don't even ask me for a kiss on the mouth; it is not your place, nor it is mine. I am here to help and create beautiful things; not to prostitute myself, or sell myself as a "free and easy" woman. However much I wanted a sexual connection to happen before, however much I tried to see if escorting and promiscuity was the true me, I realise now it is not my place and not where I want to be. I do not believe in physical sharing for a few hours. It is wrong for me, and it is false. If I want to care for myself and I do, and love myself then I have to say no.

It is...Such a relief to get out of a lie.

Update 8th February: Tsk tsk tsk, some people who come on my site do not actually read this page. When I was away, I had some proposals of work during that time which I couldn't reply to as I didn't have email access; mind, one was asking me to send him more details about who I was, so I guess he never saw the site at all. Another wanted me to go to Dubai for a day. Mmmh. Dubai, very little for me; I don't fancy going there, thank you. Heathrow is bad enough like that.

So, a few emails came to entertain me, mostly ones I didn't want to work for, including a lady escort who asked me for a multiracial meeting with herself and her regular client at a full overnight's rate, the next day. Of course, since I didn't have email access... she didn't hear from me.
For those whom it interests, I explained when I got back that I wouldn't really be interested as my escorting favours the private, intimate contact and is mostly about connection, healing and massage (and a bit of the sexy stuff so I can pay my rent and the client gets what the lady is meant to provide) and that a threesome wasn't truly me, since I wasn't sure I was into women or not. I am still unsure. In fact, I am not sure I am into sex at all, but I have spoken about that one before; I was only doing the sex bit to be able to feel like an outcast of society, which is very agreable (when it isn't entirely outlaw) and to piss my family off (the ones who don't know). Yes, this is why I went into escorting in the first place. But mostly, to practice my healing skills... So no threesomes, thank you.

I am feeling very chatty today after this little trip away, it has been a very good month, full of understandings of all sorts and wonderful, magical and healing moments.
I still have not managed to understand my fantasies, though. In fact, since I have to talk about this as this is an escorting site, I have given up playing with myself.
If I want to get to sleep quickly, I find that accupressure on the palm of the hands (on the meridians and nerve endings of the organs) makes me have a very quick and dreamfull sleep. What a shame for the libido, but I see those things with me, come and go. More often gone than come.

What was funny was I caught myself getting very angry when thinking about sex workshops, (I wanted to do Quoduska at some point and got an email from them) but I did so many workshops and therapy last year and so many disappointments and so much mindbuggery that I have had an overload of it all. The thought of a sexually oriented workshop, really pissed me off.

When in France, I got even angrier at a stupid french song by some stupid artist which I heard again when there; some song which goes "Elisa, Elisa, " and is sung by this sleezy and drowzy sounding person who reminds me of a man (over 30) having sexual contact with a young child. I don't know why this fucking song reminds me of anything like that, no idea who sings it nor even what he is singing about but it sounds to me something like something incestuous and wrong; it makes me boil!!! I wanted to slap the radio's face when I heard it, except I didn't want to get in the ditch so I did better internalising my anger at the blasted song. Changing channel for France Inter proved useful. (even that is better than this annoying song)

So, yes, it is good to catch oneself's reaction to things, sexual matters are far from resolved and they do make me laugh. What a funny, silly human thing; distorted in so many ways. I wish I could find out and expose the twists that happen energetically in someone and are passed onto their descendance, when they cannot resolve it. The woman's place. Am I a woman? No. I am I, inside a woman's body... I am not just a woman.
Never mind all the knots. I know more beautiful, magical moments will come, through the healing and the touch.

PS: I just looked on Tubething and found out this above song is sung by a Serge Gainsbourg, an artist I always disliked though who seems to have had an interesting life and was probably a very nice person. Bless him. He's been dead a few years. But he still gets out by my nose.

Update 27th January: I am off abroad for 10 days and will see you when I get back. Well, if you do want to see me, that is. You may not see me if you don't want to. Etc.

Update 24th January: I was invited to a delightful party hosted by the Erotic Review last week, where I met many erotic authors who participate to the writing of the magazine, and the delightful Jamie and his wife, as well as John, their website genius whom it was great to see again. I have not writen anymore nor drawn anymore for the magazine, as I am in a period of creative dryness. Though, what a great party it was! I am a bit too busy worrying about my next move, to write...
If anyone knows of a 2 bedroom house or flat in East London (unfurnished) to rent for April, please pass on the details. I am looking at a maximum of £1100 pcm, and preferably in zone 2. In the meantime, I will still do the odd meetings of escorting, and will also be delighted to welcome everyone in need of therapy only. (massage and healing)

In this update, I would also like to introduce you to an event which takes place on the 3d of January for which I was nominated last year as one of the 'sex-workers of the year'(even though sex isn't my strongest point, to be honest, "worker", more likely) and where I also wan a 'performing artist of the year' award 4 years ago. This event should be wonderful and has some great stripping and erotic entertainment.

Forthcoming Charity Cabaret

CUNNING STUNTS

Wednesday 3rd February

Cable Cabaret Club
33A Bermondsey St, London SE1 2EG

7-11pm

Starring the legendary Jo King. Suka Off from Poland, Miss Exotic World, Dr Tuppy Owens, Mouse,
Chiqui, Esinem (bondage) a Chic with a Dick, porn star Michelle Moist
and lots of excellent striptease, porn and performance art

Uncensored show raising funds for the Outsiders Trust (where disabled people find partners)
Charity Nos 283350 and SC038301

See this delicious teaser: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kw4qxdy5Gw

Theme: 30's Berlin "Cabaret" ~ you are welcome to dress up !

Waitress Service. Tables bookable on 0707 499 0808 and online

Tickets £50 each which includes welcome bubbly, canapés and scrumptuous supper

0808 499 0808
LeydigTrust@yahoo.co.uk
www.erotic-awards.co.uk

Update 9th January: Well, this is just too obvious to not update at this time of year, things can look dated so quickly, I had to write a little quick.

BUM MATTERS
There is something I needed to say: let's break taboos, at least my own, if you don't have one about that. **
You know, when you or your partner puts a finger into the other person's bum, and that bum isn't quite, well, is doing its job of anus, and has not been washed with soap and water before hand*; what do you do with the finger once you have got it out? I find it rather embarassing when that happens, and never dared mentionning it to anyone before, though I did lately, and that prompted me to write about it. What will the other think of the finger story after the pleasure got out of it? What will they do with their finger which has that tiny bit of brown on it? Let's be honest, it is life. So...

1) First option is it is all natural and even though excrements are toxines rejected from our wonderful body, it doesn't matter if they get on the skin, nobody dies from it and if anything, it strenghens the immune system, maybe. So, well, the first option is to do as if nothing was happening and once the finger with brown has come out, wipe it on the rest of the owner of the body-with-the-bum whilst fondling. One can take a shower later, and it doesn't usually smell if oil is mixed in with it.(can you carry on reading??!)

2) Second option is to get very uptight about it and either get the chemical, artificially smelling, disgusting"babywipes" out(they always seem to hang around ladies's handbags, but certainly not mine) and wipe the finger. Or worse, one can break the romantic, or should I say, sexually charged, erotic lingering moment, leave their partner on the bed whilst pulling a face of disgust, go to the bathroom with the brown finger(s), and wash the hands thoroughly with brush and soap whilst saying a prayer and thinking of desinfectants. Meanwhile, the other person may start wondering whether they really are that dirty and horrible, and start feeling bad about themselves.Then, the other comes back and carry on playing, maybe not realizing they may have upset the other person or embarassed them and finds them rather turned off. They may even end up having an arguement. That is what happens when things are not talked about. Anyway, this is a bit extreme. I have not met anyone like that. But have met close to that...

3) Third option: One doesn't bother about thinking about such things at all and starts fingering the vagina of the lady (if lady there is) with the same finger that has been in the anus. STOoOoOoOP!!! Now... I totally disagree with that one, a finger with turds on the skin of the body is ok, but to go prodding with it the fragile mucus membranes, NO! I am sure our body is strong enough to fight it, but...oh, come on, a bit of sense there!!! I am no doctor and I would need to ask my GP about what can happen in that case. Doesn't seem right to me. I leave you to think of other examples in which this may happen which don't quite feel right, in the wrong order. If one does such things, which I don't. There is a place for everything. But not there! I bet it is not good for thrush...

4) My favourite option when this happens because it does and it can be delightful if done properly, is, if I am in a hotel, I will, after having played a while with someone's bum, sneakily as if nothing was, innocently and whistling whilst looking at the ceiling, wipe my criminal hand clean, on the sides of the bottom sheet: so the person who sleeps in the hotel room will not have to sleep on it, and it won't be apparent and won't make them feel all "dirty" in a bad sense. It is a bit of one for the maids the next day, but, life is life. I am sure they have seen worse than a brown trace on the side of the bed. Though, as a rule, best not to wipe it on parts of the bed that don't get washed (like the foot cover thing which makes the room "pretty",-waste of time if you ask me-, the blankets, or the decorative pillows.

Has anyone got any other suggestions about what to do with a finger that has visited a bum? I know pigs eat our excrements, and some people may also (I have drunk urine but I would never touch that); I really can't think of a fifth option.

NOTES:
* The problem with washing the anus with soap is for people with piles or sensitive anuses, it does dry it out and then you can't take your finger out to rince it properly when it is half rinced, and then it hurts and then I am not sure it is really healthy to put soap in the anus, really. An enema may be ok though. I don't know, I am not an expert in those fields.

** Do YOU have a taboo about bum and body things? I certainly have one, I always felt it was terribly dirty "down there", but I blame that on catholism. It is much better to talk about it. And to laugh about it, it makes it so much more bearable and enjoyable !!!
I was really amazed: last year I met the first ever person that thought farting was disgusting. He wouldn't even laugh about it. Nor he wanted me to speak about it, if I did he would get grumpy.. (he was not a client, he had become someone close to me. I would not mention farting to a client, it may embarrass them)
I said, 'Your Ferrari needs repainting with little flowers and chickens, lovely one.' He didn't agree neither. I am not sure why I ever went there in the first place...Dazzled? Silly me. I should know better. Next time, I will accept money...

End of anecdote about bums

Back to the update, on a more serious tone:
Happy new year and I hope your wishes, most secret wishes, may transform into reality for this new year.
My secret wishes are simple and they are materialising: growing within, understanding more of what is happening inside myself and managing to get over the boxes in my mind, slowly, by looking at them all, one by one. Becoming more in tune with my intuition, and magic.
Escorting? It is flying away as I move on; now standing more steadily on my feet I can feel the sexual matter is definitely not quite right for me at this time. The caring, the temporary loving and cherishing of another, still is and is wonderful; but sex? Bah. I may be sexy, but I don't feel it. I am still stuck in the 18th century where "women are meant to do it" and well, I did carry that on in private life and even in profesional life... But one is changing, the other is also. Brilliant! I may start reclaiming my own power. Escorting has been good, though. What fantastic people, in the whole.
Well, I still offer my time in exchange for currency for anyone not interested much in sexual matters, till april. If they are interested in sexual matter, well, they may still try. I am getting harder to get. Soon, I will have flown away...

Update 25th December: Happy caring day to you all, I hope you do take care of yourself and allow yourself that big bit of childish joy today, and if nobody offered you any presents because the wife has ran away or is sulking, that at least, you are offering yourself something nice. And thinking about the ones you do secretly care for also.
I am back from my trip away and am now happy to undertake bookings, particularly with the ones that would relinguish in being cared for, healed and relaxed in a beautiful way. All the best to all for this end of year, it has been such a difficult year for many of us (it must have been my most traumatised year ever with all the stuff that happened) but it is all to shake the foundations (I believe) of our psyche and let us know where we want to be, dealing with the darkness and attracting it to us or calling upon the light. Both are needed and we are in a world where we have the choice...So what is Your choice?

Update 10th December: I have been putting off to write an update because I have absolutely nothing to say at all, to any potential escort client, right now. It is not that I don't want to speak, I guess with a new relationship, it makes this work sligthly more uneasy for me, even though I still want to carry it on because it teaches me many things and I do love the contact with another who is truthful and open.
It is odd, all the growing I have felt happening in the last few weeks. I have discovered on my own side about intimacy, about horrible dreams in roman-orgy type places where the women were there as objects of pleasure and used by men (and me being one of them). It is disturbing, but somehow I have always been compliant and acceptant of the body of the woman, that I am in. It is so, therefore it is ok if it is like this. What?

Is that me talking?
No, it is some place in my mind, which is very happy to follow up with its old experiences and its old expectations that all women before me had in the same way. Though, this is only one way. I am sure I have had some very bossy female ancestors that told the men what they wanted, and when!
I link more with the soft ones, the ones that daren't say no because who tells them they have any value at all and anyway, who has given them the right to have anything to say?

This patriarchist society indeed has it so wrong, I have read it and talked about it with many others, women are the ones that have more power than men, for they will carry the child that will carry society forward. Men? Well,you only really need one man to fertilize a hundred women and society will go on. Women have the power, and whenever I see pregnant women on the tube, it is again like a flash in my mind. Women have power. They have that reproductive power. What am I to put my physical value down (or, at least in the past) because I am a woman? Because those fearful men, realised the power women had and started manipulating things around and teaching women they were lesser? Making it the patriarchy we know? This is mad, but I have not grasped it entirely, yet. That part of my mind is quite happy to stay cosily in my ancestry place, where those women were only good to look after the house and work in the fields and bring up children and give intimacy to their horny husbands and do what they were told..

What about desire, in all this? Desire never really came in my felt sense of ancestry where I have that (imagined) place as a certain type of (passive and cold) woman. Sometimes, I wonder about my sexuality, I don't quite feel it, maybe because the other parts of my mind are rejecting the role of the women that I project in myself, therefore shutting a lot of pleasureable and wonderful doors?

I have masturbated, of course, since the age of 11 or 12, discovered it by mistake, not too sure of what I was doing at the time, rubbing myself against a cushion. Well, this notion of pleasure I am used to, and I have followed it up and carried on "playing" with it as years went on. I am not sure it is good for health (I like to do things on that basis rather than follow my heart) but what is sure is it sends me to sleep, or at least, relaxes me. Though, as the years and my knotted sexuality revealed itself more knotted than I remembered it being, even masturbating has been more difficult. It all starts in the mind, and ... I can't find anything to masturbate about!

Yes, I think the usual scenarios that usually make me come, and then after wanking for a while, I stop and say "no, this is not right, I dont like this fantasy anymore, what about something different?" the second scenario comes in, and no, again, it gets rejected. What do I fantasize about? WHy is it so hard to get turned on? But what is being turned on anyway? Is it sex, and why is it sex, I wonder to myself. Am I meant to fantasize about a man ejaculating in me because that will mean I may become pregnant? Yes, this fantasy worked a few times, till I had it happen and terminations occured, which made me realise that I didn't want a child at all. I have never was motherly, never wanted one, never could consider my life as a half of a couple with some little beings to my charge. So, that fantasy went out of the window, and terribly fast... Shit, now what? What should I fantasize about? About being anally fucked by someone with a very tiny dick so it wouldn't hurt very much and would be very pleasureable? Yes, that does it, sometimes, though it takes me back to my childhood and there I start wondering...What happened to me then? It feels vaguely famililar, this feeling of wanting to feel degraded by pleasure. The bum's pleasure, I know it from somewhere. The suppositories, of course, but... Something else feels like it has happened to me. I am not sure what. I have no recollections. I want something to have happened to me to explain why I am so blocked towards sex, for merde sake! It would explain it and then I could let it go!

Fantasies, fantasies, actually, I can't think of anything, bum doesn't work anymore, vaginal sex doesn't neither, what is the point of that anyway when I don't feel anything and to feel any pleasure, I have to masturbate myself heavily and frenetically like a machine, to be able to orgasm! Will the man I am with think it is terrible that I should wank myself when he is having pleasure from him just being inside me? WILl he feel rejected? Shouldn't I be having a similar sort of pleasure to them with my vagina? No.
Rarely, I feel something there, but usually, I feel frozen. I do not know how to behave, the other person is going so so fast, so concerned about their erections and how long they will last, and I am hoping they won't last too long because I really do feel frozen and I wish I could cry, but I have nothing to cry about since nothing sexual probably ever happened to me as a child. Those blockages are just in my imagination. (Fuck you who keeps saying that to me, it's like wishing me death!) Now, vaginal sex, yes, no, well, I don't know how to fantasize about it.
Should I fantasize about bodily functions, that we are so well made that men have a dick and women have a vagina and the 2 go together and do things with each other? Now, taken that simply, this makes me feel slightly aroused. The source, I need to go back to the source of all this and let go of all the rubisshy of the ancestry and the role and not-roles of women and all that. Yet, to go back to the source means... "REPRODUCTION"!!! OH shit, is there just nothing else about sex but this annoying business? I don't want to reproduce life! Maybe I shouldn't have any sex at all. Now, put this wanking hand away because this is just NOT working out, I will wank another day.

Now, what about at the source, sexual pleasure, sexual pleasure. "It is perverted! It is there to degradate both people, and particularly the woman! Pleasure is an illusion and it is all dirty" shouts the voice. That sounds like a religious voice to me. Please bugger off and let me think on my own, thank you.

Pleasure, in sex. Ok, pleasure in being near someone we sort of like. We like a tiny bit, or actually, we like a lot. Whom we find physically attractive (but not mentally) or mentally attractive(but not physically) or maybe both. Now.. INTIMACY??? MAY I RUN A MILE !!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! I can't cope with intimacy!!!

What is it about intimacy, that pounces over you as an overwhelming shadow, making yourself so so small and fragile, crouching and trapped in the corner as this shadow is coming all over you, to get you and abuse you or smuggle, suffocate you... Now, how do you explain I have never had long term relationships, and I have always favoured sex with strangers? Because there is something horribly wrong about having sex with someone we know well. Is it incestuous? Is it family? I feel like I have been raped in my intimacy... It is a feeling. Not a thought. Intimacy feels freshly broken. Abused. Trust, trust, oh how much I cannot trust another, never could.

How I could never say to anyone I loved them, those cruel words seem such a commitment that I wouldn't be able to change my mind if they became annoying and I stopped loving them, I would have to keep on loving them forever because I said it once.
How thorn-like are those words, which refuse to come out of my lips in case the other person thinks I am lying... Oh, another point for not saying those words. For not saying any compliments. For not expressing anything. Expression, where is expression in all this?

Expression is very far away, it is hiding behind the "role of the woman", behind the "I have to be nice and say yes at all times", behind the "I can't fantasize about anything" behind the "pregnancy is a death-threat", behind the "Sex's only purpose is reproduction", gone far behind the fear of intimacy.... Expression is very silent. Just like a very silent woman. The one that watches the person come through the door with a knife in her hand. The one that has had enough to give, to be taken, and to be treated like dirt. The one that will take that knife and stab her own stomach, to show the man she doesn't belong to him...

Bloody hell, I better go, this is becoming all too complicated, nothing to wank about, sex is not about pleasure but is about non-expressing and feeling repressed and quiet and having lots of ancestral behaviours and traumas shuved upon this very simple, yet damaged, act.
Sex is a folly, a weird thing which I am meant to do but somehow can't find the ignition for, and why should I be having sex anyway?

***********************************************************

So, I was saying, those last few weeks have been a discovery, yet again. Life always is, but those have been on that different level, the intimacy level. I am discovering trust, in someone else, and actually feeling comfortable and vocal around them which is unusual for me. Something is moving forward. Maybe because of a common interest in past lives. Not just ancestries. Our own. Our own blockages and dreams that feel so real. The Roman orgies, the religious person, the egyptian priestress that has misused her power and is being sent on another trip where she has no power, and on top of all, the weight of the abuse of women on her shoulder from the body she was born into. We are all born with old emotions stuck in cells from our past... I believe so, anyway. More discussion needed on that one.

Things are moving, and escorting will hopefully see the end of the tunnel. It is a tunnel, for it has kept me where I was, sometimes moving forward but also moving backwards. It has been amazing. Though I do not want to take the place of their wives and girlfriends. They need someone of theirs, with whom they can be scared of intimacy with, (on an emotional level since for men, physical intimacy is less difficult generally) someone they can be who they are with, eventually after they have got over their fear of being trapped..

I have said it...is it 3 times in 2 years? That I was stopping escorting? Each time, because I met someone. This time,I don't want it to be because I have met someone, but for myself, truly myself. (even though before, I did it for "them" and said I was doing it"for me" but it was in fact for the 'gallery')
But will I manage to stop escorting for ME?
I want to heal and learn about my inability to fantasize.About my newly found happiness in closeness with someone physically. To find those tiny steps of arousal, those shy bits of pleasure, joy, which are coming to me and allowed to pass my critical and scared, mind-gate.

I also realise with the escorting, how much the "further" is difficult for me because I am not master of my womanship and I let it drift, go silent and go back to my ancestral behaviour. Therefore, I am no use to anyone to learn anything sexually, other than the beautiful sensations and relaxation I know I do bring them. I need to regain control of my existence.

It starts with a "No". A no to what? To my own destructive power, I suppose.

Soon enough.. In April I should be folding my escorting. But in the meantime, I will be more than happy to meet those special ones that want to share something a bit more unusual than the normal "escorting" since they may have read that and see something else behind. They will feel sorry to come to me because of the above, but will understand something else can be explored in similar ways.

I had a lot to say, for someone that didn't want to post an update.I haven't even finished but my bladder is calling me...!

Update 16th Nov: A new article should be coming out in the next issue of the Erotic Review, with a very nice drawing, which I may post here after it has been published for a while. It is about a really funny story about a man who has a big complex about the size of his genitals. It was hilarious. (parts of the story can be found on Punterlink.com's forum, under the "Warnings" category.)

Update 22d October: Oh, look, an update just that one month later!
Some of my drawings from my Life Story will be published (should be published) in the prestigious Erotic Review magazine after much debate with the producers about money and contents and many meetings which may have lead to some terribly raunchy action afterwards, involving prawns and tomatoes. Watch out for the next issue.
Other news: I will be away for a week mid-november (22d-27th)
Note: Would potential clients please refrain from sending me pictures of their genitals, as to receive this feels highly offensive and will lead to either an arguementative email back, or plain silence. A man who thinks the main representation of himself is a penis, is bound to be a very sad case. The bigger the penis-ego, the smaller the mind-soul. Does that make any sense? It does to me. I am much more interested in minds. There is so much beauty, in a mind. A beautiful mind with a penis is even better.

Update 23d Sept: I have also added a few paragraphs on the reviews page, from emails which I had not taken the time to select. It has been wonderful to get your feedback, in the past regarding meetings, but also lately, with my website, and I am really grateful.

Update 22d September: Minor changes have happened to this website, including trying to make navigation easier...Though, it seems more confused than ever. I love confused! It's great! Will you get lost? Vive les labyrinthes!

Update 1st september: I have updated my modelling photos for you to browse at so you will be definitely enticed into sending me an email. I am looking forward to doing some escorting again, I find myself longing to share with someone what I have learned. My escort site can be found here.

Update 20th August: I was recommended a book by a friend who had read my "life story" and who knew an escort lady who wrote her own book, it was really kind of him to point me to it.
I have just finished reading it, it is by Rebecca 'Bea' Dakin and it is called the Girlfriend Experience. I recommend it to everyone with a mind, who is interested in people. It is a wonderful book to read, with humour, but down to Earth. She has lived a life and a half!
. A different lifestyle, Bea seems a busy bee, and I bet she is really good at it! Her website can be found here and you can order the book on Amazon, the link is on the image. Good luck to her, I hope her book brings her many rewards; she deserves it!

Update 8th August: I have managed at last to understand what I want from escorting and what I want to offer, and it is all explained in my Escorting Home page, in yet again, great lengh, but I have nothing to prove, so I am just enjoying myself with the words. And with you.

Update on 28th July: I am available for private escorting bookings again. Check my E website link for the Escorting details.

Update on 23d July: For the ones that just want to look at drawings made to illustrate the life story, there is a page just with those, on the above menu, or here.
What worries me in all this is, particularly from writing the text of the drawings, is to see how obsessed with vacuum cleaners, but also, how much of an attention seeker I am. It is bothersome, somehow. But I suppose it is the beauty of the Web and the technical skills being available, having your own website means you can put as much of your personality as you want on it, open as much as you want, and bear the consequences of it.

Update on 22d of July: It is that special day and I have stayed home all day, instead of going out and being a 'birthday girl', I did my website and organised the web-pages of the life story, which I had promised you (and myself) since at least 4 months. It has been great fun and made me very happy to achieve it! I still want to arrange certain things, like allow the drawings to open in a resized window instead of a big clumpy in-the-way window, and other little things... But it is mostly there!
Will you make yourself a cuppa and have a look at it?

Update from 20th July: I am thinking to offer myself, for my birthday (coming in a couple of days) some time to actually finish writing what I wanted to write and organise for this website. My life in the sex industry, which will be very long and very tedious, with my dodgy, child-like drawings. I am put off because I still don't know how to organize it nor present it. Several pages linked together or one long boring scroll?
I don't understand why posting this on this site is so important to me, but it is; I think it is because I would like some of you to read it, to understand someone else's point of view in this world, where sometimes one can feel quite lost, and alien. I am not just talking about myself! I am sure some of you also do... Reading and understanding other's point of views is another spot of ink in the great waters of human consciousness. To realise slowly, but surely, who we actually are. It is why I like reading so much. It gives me a sense of human growth.
It would be the best birthday present I could offer myself.
Better than a holiday in the Bahamas. Definitely. (Aren't there sharks, over there, anyway?!)

Update from 13th July: It would be nice to have a guestbook on this site, so visitors could leave feedback and abuse and complaints and stuff. Then they could all get very embarassed at each other if they had seen me as an escort, for having left a message saying so, on there, and I would also get very embarassed as everyone could see I have actually seen some people during my escorting life. (It's embarassing enough to know everyone can read C69 and Punternet reviews) Guestbook or not guestbook?
Actually, I wanted to do an update today but don't have anything to say, so I ended up writing crap. I am sure a guestbook would not be a good idea! I would probably get messages like "Your site is full of shite" and "Can I send u a pic of my dick please" or "Do u do CIA?"(whatever that is) ...

Update from 11th July
Money, of the lack of it, makes people do
===== very ugly things.
Like going back to abusive situations,
So they can feel safe again.
Even though they know...Better things exist.
But better things do not feel safe.
Better things are taken away.
Better things die.
Insecurity.

Update from 9th July: Expressing my feelings is normal to me. It is also necessary. Innate. As important as oxygen. Through my expressing my darkest and joyfullests, I have no aims to shock, or upset anyone. To me, to express means to exist; to exist means to be read, acknoledged by others, or heard by others.
To be ignored means I don't exist, I might as well be dead. Indifference and silence (from others) are my worst and most painful, nightmare.
It does aggravate me very much, particularly when I care. Does it, you?
Silence prompted me to write this below, which is the contract between a man and his female sexual partner.

Agreement to the Employee

"I will employ you as my girlfriend.
You will be paid, every month, a fee that I will decide and which will be set.
When you are employed, your job will be to look after me.
You will always answer the phone when I want to speak to you, in a pleasant and never upset, manner. You will reply to my text messages, each of them, in no time, saying what I want to hear; though, I want none of your aggravations, not a mention of your mental or emotional problems, no imposition of your past difficulties, upon me.

When we meet, you will have sex with me when I will require it; you will show great joy and arousal at my momentary attention to you.
You will not be concerned if I have not touched you to your satisfaction or if you have not had any pleasure or joy.
You are here for me, so I am not going to show concern for your lack of satisfaction, which you will not show nor will need to feel, since you are employed by me.

The only conditions of you working for me is that you will not care, and it is forbidden for you to fall, or be in love with me at any level.
I will not allow you to feel you have any rights on me neither.

I will not love you; for you will be a commodity to me.
You will be my employee and any care I feel will be expressed in my constant, generous payment to you, every month.

You will not care or worry if I am not in contact with you for a couple of days or more, for that will mean I will not need you or your services at that time. You will then be allowed to get on with your life at those moments, though you will always be on stand-by, waiting for my potential needs when I ring or text you, which you will attend to at once, when it happens. You are not to ring me, I do not give you that right as it would be intrusive to my private life.

Your main duty, other than the sexual one, will be to care for me through your hands; I want regular massages and your (that I heard was) very special healing, at least once every time we met. It is an important requirement, as I need to further my own health and wellbeing.

I need you to care for me in other ways too, as my paid girlfriend; making sure I never am hungry or thirsty, and if I happen to be, you will organise something for me which will be with my approval, and to my liking. You will need to have house-keeping skills.

You will be one of my staff so you will leave the room if a business call from my work arises, as I will need to do such things in private. I must not trust my staff nor girlfriends with things like business. I am afraid this does include you also. People talk too much.

If I ask you to stay near me during one of those important phonecalls, keep on doing what you are doing, but remain "impassible", emotionless and respectfully silent, whilst I answer.

I will have rights on you when we are together and you are not to look at any other man but I.
You will need to remember to pay me compliments and show me much appreciation and gratefullness, regularly, when we are together.

When you are alone, time will be yours at your own discretion; but if I happen to learn you have taken up a similar kind of work, paid or unpaid, with someone else, I will half your wages.*

* For you belong to me."

Is it a nightmare, of is this A Fantasy of Courtisane?
To hear Honesty and Integrity from another person, about what they want from you? This is quite close to mutual respect. (except the man would be a srange insensitive person, or should I say, slightly despotic and alien)
No expectations other that the ones one signs for. To a honest proposal like that, the courtisane could say either yes or no, and decide for herself as to what she gets into. No hidden games. All is on the table. I like it.

3 Comments: *
'This ad sounds really appealing... lol'
TheWKid · 2009-07-11: 13:05 · Reply · Delete
'As the employee this sounds interesting, as the employer........awful....I would absolutely hate it......where is the laughter?'
MeusC· 2009-07-11: 16:13 · Reply · Delete
'Laughter? What is laughter, when you can have life security? A purpose? A feeling of useful-ness to the rest of the human race, even if it is only to be of use to one person, one man?'
CP· 2009-07-12: 13:27 · Reply · Delete
* Extract from private blog where this letter was posted

Update from July 5th: Although I have stopped escorting, please note that I still practice and do my healing and massage, non-sexual therapy.
Feel free to book yourself a one-off session (I am usually better on the first session, by the second session I start feeling insecure if you have not expressed anything positive about what it does to you! And that affects my ability and trust in what I need to trust.)
I am also thinking of studying other alternative therapies like aromatherapy that I have had a huge interest in, lately. I thought aromatherapy was a very silly primitive therapy that everybody did in that complementary world (I never experienced it as I thought it was the Tesco's of alternative therapies, like reflexology and Reiki which I thought were way too common to be genuine or useful in any way). I thought everyone could have an aromatherapy diploma after a 4 week course and that it was about knowing which of the 8 oils which you keep finding everywhere, like Patchouli, Lavender and Orange blossom you should use for massaging someone?
Actually,I have learned recently that there are more like 70 different aromatic oils, plus many rarer ones, some of them you can't use on so and so and some will send your kidneys on strike after 2 weeks of use and some can be used externally only and some are specifically for when you are feeling out of love or emotionally rejected, (I tried that one yesterday, I am not sure it worked, I sniffed it but I was still feeling rejected after that, maybe it didn't quite resolve the issue!)
So much to learn! But are the courses as basic as I think they are? Maybe I should stick to reading the 3 books I have about it? Then when I know them by heart, do the course and tell the teacher off for giving wrong information out because I read it in my books!! Or maybe I should just experience a session of aromatherapy and get out of my cynical, full of pre-conceptions, peasant mind state. Others would call it a suburban's mind state. Others may call it a city suit's mind state. Oh well.

Update from July 4th: I do hope that in your life, you can express truly what you feel, to your loved (or not so loved anymore since you are on here) ones.
I feel sad about all those men I ever met, who have such a big heart, though all come with a similar story about their wife: "She won't have anything to do with me!".
I wonder all the time, what happens to women. I know some will disagree, but I think it is more frequent than thought, that women have sex out of duty rather than out of true expression of love for their partner. Keeping that in mind, it is no wonder that after a couple of decennies or a couple of kids, they reach that stage in life where they refuse to do things anymore just to please others, and rebel (subconsciously or silently) against their husband for their constant hunger for sex. (or for other things)
Well, it is one hypothesis, and I feel it is one which is not rare. What I would like to say, is... Have you tried talking to her?
With all your soul, seeking for the spark that may still be in her heart? (Don't try too hard, or it will be the end of the escorting business!
I have fortunately never been in a married situation, though I could often feel 'this' happening to me after 2 weeks of being with someone; I know this "housewife" nightmare is deeply rooted in me, from hearing my mother say: "Never excite a man or you will have to have sex with them, once they are aroused, you can't stop them, and it's your woman's duty to go ahead and do what they want." And her shamelessly saying that she often had sex with her husband (...) to please him and make him happy, but that she didn't really enjoy it.
Now, what was I supposed to do with this overload of information? Help!!! Running away very fast was the best I could do. Being frightened about being a woman, and untrusting towards men, was another outcome. Being paid for this 'sex' was a solution, to at least get something out of this physical "duty", and get a debt that I felt men had towards me, from all the times I have given it and felt used, paid back. So I did it escorting with happiness, as I was fulfilling my woman's role, it made me feel useful, and I could share some nurturing. At the same time, I felt respected and valued within that honourable transaction. It helped me very much.
Through escorting, I felt valued, but lonely. It didn't resolve what I was running away from. Escorting was for me a bit like what paracetamol is to headache. It does no good other than shutting down the symptoms of what the body is trying to say to you through the pain! All your body wants is to be listened to! I favoured deafness for a long time, so I won't blame Paracetamol...
The point of all this is that lately, I have felt a bit exhausted with all this running out/away/around. I want to sit for a while by the side of the hill; transform that woman in me into who I truly am, rather than into whom I should have, lazily, been, by accepting the truth of what was said to me, or done to women before me.
I want to learn how to love, as well as awake that repressed and hungry woman in me. Learn that I can fly. Near Him.

Self reflection; Update from July 2d: I wish that one day, I will be able to look back at my life and be proud of whom I have become. Proud that I have managed to get over what blocked me for so long, why I could not accept love, why I felt if I loved someone, they would reject me or something bad would happen to them. It is very traumatic to want to say something nice to someone else, but a voice inside of you says "You liar! You are saying that because you want to use him, he won't believe you anyway because you are saying it in such an insecure voice! You liar!"
It is very difficult to find self-esteem, after all the 'bad things' I believe I have done in life; though I hope one day, I will have a big pinch of it. Not enough to be arrogant (= insecure), but enough to feel my own value as a soul, and then, as a human. After those two, to feel my value as a woman.
One day, I hope that my late mother will be proud of me, as well as all my ancestors and friends and souls who are on the other side of the time and space mirror. I would like to help them, and I know I hold a lot of my family's heavy woman fate in me; I have a lot of work to do, so to help them in what they could not achieve, and not let it drift in me.
Will I manage? Will I ever do something I can be proud of, with my life? Sometimes, it feels I won't.. Melancholic.

Update from July 1st: After experimenting very carefully and slightly, though seeing I felt uncomfortable with the thought of a woman going down on me and worse, me going down on her, I decided that maybe I was not a true lesbian after all. But what is peeving, is why do lesbians have it as a rule to do those things? What is wrong with just cuddles, kisses, touch, and arousal in that way?(fingers would be acceptable)
Isn't that enough, this, with a strong emotional, trusting connection?
So, for all of you that had got all excited at the read of my previous update and the thought of me being with a very sexy blonde woman, take that thought out of your head, no need to think about it, it won't happen!

Update 18th June: I have stopped escorting yet again.
You know why? Don't even ask. I don't seem to be wanting to be reliable in this business, I keep asking myself questions, wanting to find a proper job to feel safe and secure, wondering about the guilt of polygamy, my difficulty with sex, etc... Why don't you just contact me to do a simple sex-less, tame and guilt-less therapeutic massage session? I am really good at it, so I have been said. I truly enjoy it as I enjoy caring so much. It will do you a lot of good and I won't keep changing my mind about it, you can be sure to see me on this basis! Though I know, I know, you need more...Oh well. Sigh!
One day, I will get out of the sex business! Though, will I miss what it brought me? This illusion of independance and belonging to no-one? It's an illusion, because at the end of the day, I am alone, I feel alone, and I do not enjoy independance to that point, meeting wonderful people and never seeing them again. I rather not meet them. Love and being hurt than never love? Mmmh...

Update from some time in between: I have started escorting again as I need to pay my rent and I do miss meeting people. Not that I meet a lot, recently, as it has been very quiet, since my site isn't advertised. I have seen 3 different people in... 3 months! (and a few on a therapy basis which I won't count as it's not sexual) You can't say that I am a very virulent sex-worker! Though, the more I go forward, the more I meet wonderful people. It's very odd. Maybe it's an energy thing.

Update 1st June: I have stopped escorting again though am thinking of studying something called Quodushka which is something to do with Maya and South American way of using sexual energies something rather, it sounds really interesting and to practice that, said the person I spoke to, would allow me to do escorting without the sexual side, which would mean I wouldn't need to feel guilty sleeping with several people at the same time.Which actually, I do feel guilty about, whether they do pay me or not!


Update from mid-may: Where do all those updates come from???? I never saw them before! This home page used to be an introduction page...! Webmaster?

Update 19th May : I have started escorting again though I should really learn Tantra properly and be a goddess, rather than be offering my body in a way which is not always rewarding, and place myself in a mat-like position. A goddess? I need to awaken my femininity first! Me? A goddess? I need to finish this life-story for you to understand...But so much is happening I don't find time to write! Merde! Help!

Update 3d May: I have stopped escorting again as I am having doubts about my sexuality and I think that actually, I may well be a lesbian, since my first love was a woman, and I have met a woman whom I feel really happy with, on an emotional level and with whom I want to explore gentleness and sensitivity, emotional proximity. Sex with men since I started escorting again has been rather difficult mentally, I have had traumatic thoughts and actually, I should stop all sexual activity forever! This is my state of mind; however delightful the persons are, I can't do it anymore.

Update and introduction dating from mid-april 2009: I was happily doing escorting last year, but stopped temporarilly in february 09, for some personal reasons that I will explain below.
I stopped with the idea of getting into alternative therapies, helped by someone close who was giving me much confidence and a client base to start from when I would be ready. Unfortunately, it ended up not working out, making those last 2 months extremely difficult mentally as I had given up escorting for him mainly. I had also given up for myself in a reasonnable and noble gesture to quit the sex industry that I have been in for about 9 years (through modelling, lap dancing, cyber work, etc)...

Though, I felt at the time that even though I was sure it was the right choice, it was a mistake to stop escorting so suddenly. I didn't have steady foundations under me to lift me up to where I wanted to be, no client-base to start massaging from, no professional training other than my intuitive skill which I love working with but has no "She is capable" official signed paper to go with it from anyone, not even from Spirit.(They can't write, can they!)

I also terribly missed the human contact that I got through escorting, the companionship and joyful moments I spent with my special clients, the getting to see them and seeing them relaxed and more happy; the care I was sharing with them and that I got back.
Many of them couldn't face to see me for healing and massage only after I said I stopped; and I totally understand them. There is a deep need in them as to why they came to see me in the first place.

How often have you stopped seeing your mistress because you got on better with your wife? This is a bit the same for me but in the opposite way. My clients are like my "mistresses"(there isn't such a word as "a Mister", is there?) on whom I practice my healing tendancies and my eroticism and to whom I can share this inner nurturing joy that so want to blossom from inside out.
My boyfriends are a bit like ' your' mistresses, they get in the way.

I never wanted to see many people as an escort, but wanted to meet those special people who would be very special indeed, as in they would understand vaguely where I was coming from and they would be honest enough to themselves to recognize what they were lacking in their lives, as well as being open to an experience which would be slightly different from the usual "sex worker" experience.

What was most difficult for me to cope with and I was happy to let go of it when I decided to stop was, in the escorting, to not see or hear again from someone with whom I shared such special moments. Sometimes, not even hearing from them by emails, like "I found a girlfriend that I love very much, it was lovely to meet you and your service was very helpful , thank you very much" or "It was lovely to meet, I won't meet you again because I like to hire different people every time, but thanks for a caring time".

I met many people, particularly in the distant past, that acted in their life in a sort of hovering way; not quite there, there but elsewhere at the same time... Through hiring someone, they can hide, have the comfort , and after it has ended, they are off again, wandering about their difficult lifes...
I do not blame them. I know how difficult it is to feel uprooted in myself. It is difficult often, to find and act with substance and honesty.
I have been one of those people. I have to admit it. (more about that in my life story, coming soon!) It is so difficult to find who we want to be, inside, or "who we are".

It is because of that awareness of myself that with time, I have learned to go against my tendencies of running away at the first problem, and actually face it. I try my best, now, to be as honest with people as I can, to voice or write what I feel , if adequate to the situation.
It is still difficult for me to be as honest as I would like to be, as I am a rather sensitive and shy person, particularly face to face, which was where I really enjoyed escorting as it was a great exercice for that!

All that to say that before retiring properly, I would like to give escorting another go.
I have had many weeks without it now, and I do not know how I will feel in front of it, though to have this arrangement with someone where I know there are no agendas or expectations other than respect, gives me much more room to be myself within the intimacy, than when I am with someone I am supposed to love.
I have had more very deep spiritual moments with clients than I have had in my private life. Possibly because there isn't all the emotional bagage in it (or should I say, the expectations and patterns and roles and family etc...)
So if you wanted to meet me, now is the time!

PS: My hair in the latest photograph gallery ISN'T a wig.

What used to be the home page and an introduction to Euphrasie:

Bonjour!

I am a French courtisane, living in London, England.

I took up casual escorting as a mean to meet gentlemen who have the will and the openess to live something different with their sexuality and their spirituality combined.

Through escorting and companionship, I would like to develop a special relationship with you and at the same time as me being caring and open, I would like you to be yourself, true and relaxed, in my company.

The way I work uses therapies like Healing and Reiki, as well as massage. It is to help you reach a deep relaxed state as well as expanding towards your potential as a sexual and energetic human being. (potential that is enormous, but is often reduced with our stressful-not so healthy lives)

I include healing as part of my girlfriend experience and companionship, because I always wanted to provide a different service for sensitive and open minded gentlemen, who want to have erotic pleasure together with deeper emotional and spiritual experiences.