14- How did I ever get into the escorting?

Escort agency and experience:
Now, let's get to the heart of the subject, what actually led me onto this website doing what I was doing: escorting?

I started thinking about being a courtisane a long time ago; when I was a child even, I dreamed of someone paying me lots of money, showing me respect, whilst I would be their mistress.
As I grew older, I thought I should give up on that idea, as I was not pretty enough nor womanly enough to be that sort of precious person.
But as an adult, the thought often came back; feeling disrespected by many photographers I worked with who kept asking for wanks or wanting to touch me and I would let them because I didn't want to make them feel ugly and rejected, though I didn't think much of myself.

At some point, I went back to working again (when I was living in the squatt, before I lived with the photographer) doing a real job. I worked in a health food shop for a year or so, in a wealthy part of London. I was very interested in health foods, health and anything alternative, so to start work in that shop felt like a blessing.
Though, I was feeling very unsteady in myself and who I was,very insecure and very paranoid about people. (18 homes I have been in, I forgot one in West London that I lived in for 2 month at the extortionate £100 a week with a German lesbian!)
I got on well with some people in the shop, particularly one of the managers, who was very intelligent, respectful and had that charm about him, a bit fatherly but very sexy.
Though, I had to work in a juice bar, and shared that with an 18 year old bloke who acted like he was 45. He got on my nerves very quickly, firstly because he didn't accept me, nor showed any interest in me other than telling me what to do or being indifferent.

It was a strange period, where I am most aware of my behaviour with other people, “normal people” in a “normal world”, since I hadn't been exposed to a normal world for quite a few years, now.
I could see more than ever my difficulty with mingling with people, this feeling and fearing rejection which made me act in ways which were objectionable or made me feel unpopular. I started eating all day long, angry with the ethics of the shop who wouldn't allow us to take any of the gone-off foods home nor any drinks for free, eating all I could get my hands onto, and became slightly bulimic, a way for me to deal with my unhappiness in this social circle in which I wasn't comfortable.

Time went on in that shop, I quit many times but always came back; as I did have respect for that one manager and also another couple of people who showed me a playful attention (the butchers! Who always had barbecues at the back when the boss wasn't looking!) but I eventually was able to quit, when I met this photographer who offered me to live with him for free.
I was so depressed during that period, feeling very uprooted towards my family, disliking the thought of going back to see them in France, and not knowing my mother was living her last months of life.

To leave that job relieved me of many emotional problems I could not deal with, even though I was seeking therapy advice at the time. I am not sure where I am going with this... other than one evening, something had happened with that manager that I adored, of a sexual nature, and that broke my trust in him. I was out of there quite soon after that.

OH yes, the escorting. So, I was unhappy in my life, but now protected from having to worry about rent. The problem was with not paying any rent was I felt I owed something to my friend, and felt a bit like I ought to be his girlfriend (which I wasn't) . I also felt that whenever I spoke about other men, or people I happened to be in love with, I got a very cold disagreeing silence from him.

I fell in love yet again, this time with a musician. It was a love that felt more real than most I had lived before that; but that person eventually 'rejected' me, as he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend and went back to her.
I was so heart broken, as I loved him dearly; and it emphasized how trapped I felt at home, as well as not having had any sexual contact with any man for about 2 years. (it just didn't happen and I didn't meet anyone)
I was very frustrated. I was getting older (27), doubting about my self-worth and now I was losing youth, what was left of my value?
Maybe I had grown totally unattractive to men and it was why I didn't meet anyone?!

One morning, helped by a woman friend who was quite liberated, I hammered and broke a catholic cross which was made of crystal. I blamed part of my unhappy mental states on the severe religious brain washings I had from childhood, in which we are worthless, we are sinners and we are to give our life to God and we will only go to heaven if we suffer plenty and abandon ourselves to offer ourselves selflessly, to others instead, in the service of the holy spirit. .
To break that cross was a great release.

I spoke with that female friend about my wishing to be attractive to men, about feeling free, about escorting; and she supported me in my will to give it a go.
After she left and I was alone, I took my courage and looked on the net to see what was about in terms of escort agencies. I was so scared about the whole idea of "prostitution" and "escorting", that I didn't want to start on my own . I didn't know whether I was presentable enough to be able to do this job anyway, which was a job real womanly women did, and those woman had to look stunning and wear high heels and expensive dresses and frilly underwear and shit.
I didn't do any of that.

I found an agency, which looked slightly less bad than the others, and slightly more trustworthy. I was really really nervous, but called them up.. They offered to meet me and have a talk with me about it, since I had not done escorting, or shall I call it what it is called, scheduled and polite prostitution, before.

I met them, and they reassured me about my looks, saying I did look good enough and I shouldn't worry about that. They explained roughly what the job was about, (as much as they could talk about such risky subjects, in a hotel bar) and the man said I needed to have a porfolio done, which would cost me around £400. When he said that, I retracted straight away...Was that some sort of scam-like pyramid selling again like I found so many with modelling agencies?

The man from the agency called me up later, and said that to test me and see how I was, he would book me himself and what he would pay me would allow me to not have to pay myself for the photoshoot.

The next clients were again, from better to better. I won't expand on too many personal experiences with clients I met from the agency, even though most of them do not know I have this site, I do not want to make anyone uncomfortable, even if I was to share my experience without a name.

Though, to go back to the agency, I got annoyed with them after a few months, as they were asking me to always be on stand by, showered and ready to go out, the days when I said I wanted to work; and for me, that didn't work, it made me anxious and unsettled and made me binge a lot as I didn't know what to do or what to start in case I was to be called in the next 5 minutes, which usually didn't happen. .
I started wondering about my value again, worried about my nails, my legs which I didn't like to shave so I let grow in order to wax them again and would a customer complain I had hairy legs, and should I shave my pussy or not, and how much make up should I wear and was I womanly enough or not and would they notice my knickers were from Primark or not... (even though I must say some Primark knickers are very pretty)

Also, the agency was quite demanding with me, and I had a couple of bad experiences with some of the clients they sent me to see; usually to do with the man “not wanting to wear a condom”! In one instance, even though the agency (the man) had told me how much this client was a special client to them and I had to treat him like a king because he was very rich and regular, when I complained afterwards, on the phone, to the woman, she denied knowing anything about a “regular client” who had a flat at the Marryot building and didn't know whom I was talking about and put the phone down! I didn't appreciate that...

I think it is one of those things that agencies do do, with new girls, send them to see the people that the experienced girls refuse to see anymore! Then, pretend it never happened!
I also felt very unhappy particularly with one client, who had told me he was not very well off and worked in a shop, though from time to time, hired an escort as a gift to himself as he didn't seem to be able to find a girlfriend. I couldn't help it, he was young, and I felt pity for him. I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have cared less and I should have taken the money and ran away; though, I felt more and more guilty of taking what he had so little of. He was one of the reasons (but not he main one) as to why I left this agency.

I didn't really feel in charge, and I couldn't work with whom I chose, which was another reason why I stopped being on their books, and decided to go independent. I had met someone online who could help me build a website, which I then took over after a while, as I really enjoy doing my own things with things I can do, like basic website building, and writing lots of silly things in my links pages and teasing people to see if they will notice, but they usually don't, which is fine. .

Going independent was much better, I could filter people though emails. As I didn't give my phone number, it meant I missed out on many last minute bookings, but then, I didn't want last minute bookings with people whom I didn't know anything about nor knew much about me.
Through it, I met some wonderful people. I did go out with a couple of people that I met in that way, bringing much crisis as I had to stop the escorting which I enjoyed and which was my sign of independance, emotionally and financially. I also missed the escorting, when I had stopped, because I enjoyed pampering people and to pamper just one person seems a waste of a life when one could pamper many people instead, who then would learn that it feels wonderful and then who would spread it out and pamper other people in return and the world would be a much better place.

But anyway, love happens and then other things happen and escorting was stopped and started again after various crisis and various wonderful moments with wonderful people and more crisis with one or two clients who ended up not being that wonderful after all.
I remember one who particularly thought he was wonderful, and kept telling me how wonderful he was. Another insecure, probably lacking of self-worth, soul, I thought. Truly wonderful people do not need to repeat all day long that they are wonderful to others who may not have noticed it that they were wonderful, since they know it inside themselves, that they possibly are. Wonderful people do not need to make a dish out of themselves. They already are one.

But to go back to this client, the last time I saw him, it was for an overnight booking. In the morning, I was really tired, as I usually am after overnight bookings, which I don't like very much as they are very draining. He seemed to have slept like a king.
Though, in the morning, when I asked for the money that he hadn't given me the previous evening (hint, hint) he asked me if £600 instead of £1000 that was the overnight charge, was enough. When I said, as I thought he was joking, that it certainly wasn't enough, on a very serious tone, he changed voice and said that anyway, I should have paid him to take him to the restaurant because he was so wonderful and he was doing me a favour from his presence. He had paid the restaurant for me so surely, that should account in my overnight fee being lesser. [Excuse me? I would have rathered the money from the restaurant, than the meal with you, particularly if you are going to be like that, it would have been more useful to me!].

He added another £60 or something to the sum, saying that was all he had on him and then he made his way out, taking his many vanity-cases and Selfridges bags with presents for his daughter, that he had shown me, out of the room. (At least, he cared about his daughter, which was a good thing, never mind me, I am only an escort after all)
He left me like it, me, rather upset and silent, not knowing how to take him, him, this person that I thought was extravagantly charming and charismatic, had turned into a very poor and pityful soul! He didn't even offer to go to the cash dispenser for me, he casually walked away but my opinion of him had changed forever! I was so upset by this all that I had to do a drawing of him and write about it and hide it in my secret blog somewhere on the net.
What was really cheeky, is after I had writen him a long email explaining how unhappy I had been at his disrespectful behaviour, to which he had never replied, of course (most people can't face the truth coming from an upset woman!) he then sent me a casual text a few weeks later, saying was I still upset and would I consider seeing him again because he was wonderful and actually I was quite wonderful too and he would quite like some good time.
I told him that yes, I was still sulking, and that he could get lost. He has not bothered me since, which is good.

The details of those difficult moments I lived in the escorting, and also the details of other wonderful moments were kept carefully and will maybe come out at later date, maybe when I will have really and totally gone out of the escorting business, which I am too close to, at the moment. It has been helpful and joyful for me to record those moments, to remember later what happened with which person, how they behaved, how I felt, and what it taught me.

I still hesitate about the escorting today, still wanting to bring to those men the caring that I so want to offer, for them to learn again, trust again(trust themselves) and open their heart to another woman in their life(I don't mean to me, but to someone else who is waiting to meet them) and be happy again, as many of those I meet have had that desastrous relationship before in which they were too hurt and damaged by. Healing Man so he is more able to understand Woman, and share himself in a more healthy way?

Though how could I truly help them, being a relationship disaster myself, when I can't even open my own heart to love that one special person waiting for me? Maybe I should admit defeat for now and work on myself, do those therapies I wanted to do to help myself get out of those negative patterns and beliefs. (though, I need money to fund those therapies, and wouldn't escorting provide me with that?)

Someone told me it was possible to let go of the past which is holding us back... Those few words, in my head, are like an invisible shining light in the very dark tunnel in between Kings Cross and Warren Street stations. If only it was true, and it was possible? It has been so long I try to help myself come out of this shell... I need to work on my past first, before being able to blossom. The past is pulling me back, everything links back to childhood - Could I not find it all within?

I wish I was not still, this insecure teenager that cannot believe in any of the gifts she was given nor make a steady living out of what she loves or what she is good at. But maybe it is not the right time, maybe I do not know what I want enough. Maybe I am not ready.Maybe I need to wait another 50 years...

There are many other things I would like to have talked about today but I think I should finish for now, put this very long story up, and give it to the eyes of the outside world if it wants to look at it; make myself happy by having opened about what was inside me, or at least some of it.

I do not know what I am worth, but for what I am worth, I think it is worthwhile opening it out and sharing it with the world, or with whoever wants to read it. Maybe in those words, they will recognize themselves and understand themselves better, as well as those around them.

It was what I wished, and it was the reason why I wanted to put this life story on my escorting website.

1-Beginnings
2-Portsmouth and Cardiff
3-Start of the modelling
4-A dream that strips away
5-Beginning of the spiritual search
6-Good bye Cardiff, hello London dream
7-The scariest step in the sex industry:
8-More modelling cases and stories
9-Monsieur Christian
10- Amsterdam Big Brother style
11-Experiences in sado-masochism
12-Pornography (the real thing!)
13- My internet 'porno' site
14-How did I ever get into this?